The S Word.

Oh that dreaded word, sleep.

I'm so not going to sit here and bore you with my sleep woes because trust me, you think my last blogs were long. You'd be here alllllll week reading this one.

All I will say is my son doesn't like sleep. Simple as that, he's 16 months old and sometimes I'm up every hour.

Sometimes I get more than 2 hours sleep at a time and I consider that a good night.

I average between 4-6 hours of BROKEN sleep a night. I'm freakin exhausted constantly, but I'm surviving, just.

I remember when his sleep started going to shit around 3/4 months old and I kept thinking to myself, girl you got this he's still only young he will start sleeping through soon, it's only a matter of time, right??? HA wrong.

He got worse with age.

I have people saying to me all the time 'I don't know how you do it, I couldn't live like that'.

And I always think to myself well sister, you could live like that when it's your only choice.

Trust me, I don't like feeling constantly exhausted, or running off 4 hours of broken sleep a night trying to deal with my energetic 1 year old all day, but I don't get a choice. So I have to and that's all there is to it.

My favourite is when other mums say to me 'oh maybe there is something wrong with him, have you taken him to a doctor to get checked??'

Ha ha of course I have, plenty of times.

Is there anything wrong with him? Nope.

Is he happy and healthy? Very!

Is he full of energy? Sometimes too much.

You see, I know what our 'problem' is.

We got ourselves in to a habit of Boobin (breastfeeding) to sleep and boobin all night.

From a young age Walker started to comfort feed, and majority of the time that's the reason for his wake ups..

But I'll leave that for another post..

We have absolutely no trouble getting him to sleep, it's staying asleep that's our issue.

I used to dwell on my situation big time, I'd think what is wrong with him, why won't he just stay asleep.

I would see posts on Facebook or talk to other mums and they would brag about how much of a good sleeper their child is and how they've been sleeping through since they were a newborn.

I would get upset, and jealous.

I just didn't understand why my child wasn't like that.

I'm not one of those mums who can lay their child in a cot, shut the door and let them scream themselves to sleep, I can't do that.

My anxiety literally won't let me, and I would never want to do that.

Nothing against the mummas that do, I know plenty of people who swear by the CIO method, whatever works for y'all.

It's just not for me.

I know there are some people who say that's my problem, I need to let him cry it out and eventually he will get the idea.

Well, no. I feel MY job as a mother is to love and nurture my child.

Tend to his every need, if that means I have to sacrifice my sleep and sanity for the next few years, so be it.

If he needs my comfort at 1am, 2am and again at 4am, then I'll be there.

Yes I will totally complain about how tired I am the next morning but I always think to myself that there are so many mothers who would kill for the chance to do the things that I take for granted every single day.

When I'm complaining about being exhausted because I was woken up 8 times last night, I know there is a mother who would give anything to wake up to their baby every night.

Some mothers don't get that chance, as tired as I am I know that I'm the lucky one.

Am I a bad mum because my child doesn't sleep? Hell no.

I stopped comparing my child to others, I no longer feel upset or angry when I hear people brag about their babies sleep.

I'm happy for them, it's hard enough being a mother but chuck in sleep deprivation and it's a whole new gig.

Oh, and if you know a mother is struggling with her baby and their sleep.

Don't ask if there is something wrong with her baby. Because 99% of the time there's not.

Don't tell her that her baby 'should' be sleeping through and self settling by now because every baby is different.

Don't tell her to stop breastfeeding and make her think they'll magically start sleeping through. That's a load of crap.

And please don't ask how they slept last night, because I can guarantee they slept the same as every other night. Effing shit.

Over the last 16 months I've learnt to accept our situation.

All it comes down to is not all babies need the same amount of sleep.

If my child is happy, healthy and full of energy off a few hours sleep a night then who are you to say it's 'not normal'?

This is our normal, and we are living it day in day out.

This won't be forever, one day I will look back on these long, long nights and wish for them all over again.

The endless cuddles, the comfort of holding your baby in your arms knowing he is safe and sound, the smiles and loving eyes looking up at you at 3am.

This is only such a short period of our lives to make these sacrifices and live through the sleep deprivation.

I know I'll sleep again, one day, maybe in 8 years but it will happen..

For now all I can do is continue giving my baby the love and support he needs, being the best mother I can be and sooking about my exhaustion on Facebook.

It is what it is.

Sleep deprivation is a bitch.

The Tired Mumma x