My struggle with Post Natal Anxiety.
We all hear about post natal depression and all the signs to be on the look out for. But what about post natal anxiety? That's something that I had never heard of, and didn't know existed until my son was 4 months old. I know it's totally normal for a first time mother to be on edge when it comes to her baby and their health. But what about when it's more than that? What about when you're constantly worrying that something is wrong with your child, when you still co sleep with your toddler because you're worried your baby will stop breathing in his sleep, or you struggle to leave your child to go enjoy yourself because your mind fills with worst case scenarios. This is something I have struggled with since giving birth to my son.
I can't sit here and say it doesn't affect my every day life because honestly that would be a lie.
By no means does it make my everyday life miserable, but it definitely comes in to play one way or another most days. When I put my son down for a nap during the day, I lose track of the amount of times I'm in there watching him to make sure he hasn't stopped breathing. I've had countless nights where I have woken up screaming in the middle of the night because I think he has stopped breathing, when he's laying right next to me perfectly fine, fast asleep. My child gets a slight temperature, is showing any signs of being unwell, or has a tiny red dot on him and my mind just absolutely loses it with worst case scenarios. My thoughts run wild with what could be wrong, and how unwell he could be when really it's nothing. He's just teething, or has a bit of a cold or heat rash. My mind constantly thinks the worst. Getting in the car for a drive. But what if we crash. Someone is holding my son. I just imagine they are going to drop him. My son is eating his dinner, but what if he chokes and something gets stuck in his throat.. Who wants to constantly be having thoughts like that? Totally irrational and horrible situations.
But anxiety forces you to become so overwhelmed with thoughts that it's hard to stop them, actually it's impossible.
It wasn't until he was around 4 months old when someone said to me 'You have anxiety when it comes to Walker'. And I thought ha no, I don't have anxiety. I've never suffered with it before, why would I now?
I've seen a few doctors and health professionals about it, all who have gave me some bullshit 'strategies' to help with my anxiety. They don't work. I've just learnt to deal with it.
Live with it. When my heart is racing, palms are sweating and I feel like I'm about to have a nervous break down there is no calming it down. I literally just have to ride it out and let it happen. What pisses me off is when people tell me to relax, or stop stressing. Like yeah okay thanks, it's that easy.. Or he's fine, your anxiety will go away once you stop being so attached to your son... What bullshit that is. Also, when people treat anxiety like it's some made up thing that isn't a real issue for some people. You know, because I'm not depressed or I don't hate my life, that my problem isn't debilitating to my every day life. Some days it stops me from leaving the house. I make plans, I sit there and dread it for hours and end up not going. It's not that I don't want to go through with the plans, it's that I physically can't bring myself to do it. Sometimes my anxiety makes me a real shitty friend, a shit girlfriend and sometimes I worry it makes me a shitty mum.
Anxiety sometimes creeps its way in to other parts of my life but for the most part it just revolves around my son, and his wellbeing.
I have no history of anxiety, it wasn't until I gave birth to my son. There is not enough awareness around post natal anxiety, it's not spoken about enough. Never judge the decisions a mother makes when it comes to her child, whether you think she is too overbearing or too attached to her child. It's none of your business, you never know what internal battles that mother is facing.
I'm not depressed. I'm really happy, I absolutely love my life and I love being a mother. Sometimes my thoughts just get the better of me. Anxiety is a real bitch, but it won't take control of my life any more than I let it. I don't need help or medication, if I feel I'm at the point where it has taken control of every single aspect of my life, then I will seek help, and there's nothing wrong with that. To all the mummas suffering from this condition, know you're not alone.
There's always someone facing the same struggles as you, don't be afraid to reach out and talk about them. There is no weakness when it comes to your mental health.
The Tired Mumma x