I'm done with Breastfeeding, but my boy isn't.

I'm done with breastfeeding. I'm done, but my boy isn't. I fell in love with breastfeeding from day one, and have no regrets about our journey! It's been the one thing Walker and I have both relied on for the last 18 months. If you have read my previous blogs you would know how much I love Breastfeeding my son, and how it's such a massive part of our lives. 

I wouldn't have had the mothering experiences I've had if it wasn't for breastfeeding. It's made the last 18 months amazing, and so so beautiful. But I've reached the point where I'm done, I'm more than ready to stop. The love i have for breastfeeding is slowly turning in to dislike. I'm starting to resent breastfeeding and I really do not want to finish this journey hating something that helped make me the mother I am today. Over the last 4 months I have developed 'Contact Dermatitis' on my right breast. It's a horrible looking, itchy rash that flares up from the saliva and the constant wetness that comes with breastfeeding. My doctor has told me, the only thing that will help that skin heal is to stop breastfeeding.. Just for the record my doctor has been super supportive along my breastfeeding journey, and always supported my decision to continue Breastfeeding into Toddlerhood and I felt no pressure from him to stop. It's just time. It's not just the dermatitis. I guess it's an accumulation of everything, I mean every single day for the last 18 months I've shared my body with Walker, I've had to watch what I eat and drink, I've had to limit the time I'm away from him and he's literally sucked all the vitamins and good stuff from me. I went from a long pregnancy straight in to 18 months of breastfeeding and my poor body has suffered in more ways than one. The hormones, the weight gain, the lack of nutrients and all of that fun stuff that comes along with pregnancy and Breastfeeding. My body needs a break, it needs to recover. Honestly, I just want my body back to myself, I need my health back and I feel so fucking guilty and selfish for having to do this.  

I know I've done great to make it this far, but how on earth am I going to look at my little boys beautiful face and tell him no, you can't have it.. When all he wants is some comfort and boobin. Don't get me wrong, I know that he will get over it and eventually forget all about the boobies but right now it feels like I'm taking away such a big part of his life, he is a boobie monster and I don't know how he is going to deal with this. Breastfeeding has given me hours of sleep (not many, but a few 😂), comforted my boy when he's sick, when he's hurt and when he is uncomfortable. It's been the only thing that can stop the meltdowns, the screaming and the tears in any situation. The truth is I don't know how I'm going to comfort my son now, it's going to be a learning curve for us both, and I'm sure it will be the hardest part of our breastfeeding and mothering journey to date. When you have relied on something since the day your baby was born, and it's all you have both ever known the thought of that thing leaving you is absolutely terrifying. I feel like I'm starting all over again, I also feel like I need to let go of everything I thought I knew about motherhood and start fresh, and that effing sucks and is so bloody scary. I know that sounds ridiculous but I think majority of long term breastfeeding mothers will understand how I feel when I say that. It has been such a safety net for us both, the thought of not having it there gives me major anxiety, but it's time. I need to focus on my health, I need to get us both in to a routine that doesn't revolve around boobies and I need to learn a whole new side of motherhood. I'm scared, I'm upset and I'm stressed but I know this is the right thing for us both. It's going to be one hell of a tough gig this weaning thing, I'm sure the next few weeks will be filled with endless tears (from us both), anxiety and doubts, but we will get there. I'm sitting here in tears as I write this because I'm so lucky to have had the breastfeeding journey I have. And I'm so upset for this chapter of our lives to come to an end. 

To be completely honest, I'm already starting to doubt my decision, but this Mumma needs to toughen up. It's had its hard times, but my god. It has been the most amazing thing in this world, the feeling of looking at your baby knowing your body has provided all the nutrients and nourishment he needs, seeing the rolls on his little legs and arms and knowing that your milk done that, being able to make all his pain and sadness go away within seconds.  

I've always said, if it wasn't for breastfeeding I'd literally get no sleep at all. So I know what I'm in for, I know that every 1-2 hours when we are usually awake and we feed back to sleep, it's now going to change to screaming back to sleep and that breaks my heart. The guilt, the sadness and the straight up heart break that comes with weaning your child from breastfeeding is something I could never have imagined. I guess, when we embarked on our breastfeeding journey I just thought we will feed for as long as we can and when it's time we will 'just stop'. As if it's as easy as that. But you can't just stop something you've done around the clock, every single day for the last 18 months. I'm absolutely terrified and filled with so much sadness about this journey coming to an end. But I know it's the right thing to do. I have no idea where to start, no idea what to do. I could come back and update this blog in 4 weeks and still be 100% Breastfeeding on demand and change my mind about stopping, I could have cut his feeds right down to a few a day, or I could have completely stopped feeding, and finished the weaning process already. I honestly don't know how we will both cope, and this is just another aspect of motherhood I'm going to wing. Wish me luck! P.S Any mummas who have been through this weaning process before please reach out to me, I need all the tips and support I can get!  

The Tired Mumma xx